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60’s, Single and Dating?

So, “you’re out there”. 

Welcome to the dating scene.

You’re either on a dating site searching for “the one” or you’re frequenting clubs and meet up single events hoping the “wrong one” doesn’t approach you or ask you to dance. You might also be the brave warrior willing to accept the occasional blind date that well-meaning friends and family convince you is a perfect match.

Note to well-meaning friends and family:  Just because we’re both single, doesn’t mean we’re soulmates!

And while those of us out there in the dating world can agree that we’re not looking for perfection, we’re all looking for the same thing at any age:  love, acceptance and partnership with someone who “gets you”. But trying to find that right partner can be a winding, exhausting journey of dates that typically requires polite small talk while silently trying to assess whether a second date is likely. And if a second date is not going to happen, there can be long moments of awkwardness while stealing glances at the time and/or the nearest exit.

Check please! 

This game of trial and error can be time consuming and nerve racking but for those of us at a certain age there can be additional considerations and challenges.

Let’s start with technology. 

Meeting a new partner can happen organically at any moment, but if Mr. Right doesn’t live next door, the internet is a good place to start.

Navigating a dating site for the first time as a baby boomer, however, can be overwhelming, confusing, and maybe even laughable.

Upload photos from camera roll, Facebook, jpg, GIF…whaatt??? Tech support please! I need a millennial!

And then there’s the dilemma of what photo to use:

Do I upload my glamour shot photo from the 80’s, the picture of me with my grandchildren at the zoo, or the photo of me blowing out candles at my last birthday hoping the number of candles on the cake is not too noticeable?

So many decisions.

But once you’ve successfully signed up for your online dating experience the fun can then begin!

Those of us, however, in our older years excited about starting a new chapter in our lives might have more questions to ponder with our prospective romantic partners than singles in their 20’s and 30’s.

For example:

What is your history?

Widow/Widower or divorced?  If divorced, what is your relationship like with your ex?  How many children/grandchildren do you have?  Do any of them still live with you?  Will my children like you? Can our families blend well?

And… 

What is your perspective on the aging process?

How are you making the most of your retirement years? Are you active or sitting around waiting for the pearly gates to beckon you?  Are there medical issues associated with your aging and are you managing it well? Are you invested in self-care and a healthy lifestyle? What are your goals for the future?

 

Why so many questions?

Most of us dating in our older years are generally clearer about what we’re looking for in a romantic relationship. We’ve acquired enough life experience to know what worked and what didn’t work in our past.

Those of us coming from failed marriages hope to choose more carefully this time around.

 

There is a greater awareness in midlife that falling in love with the “potential” of what a partner can be rather than the “reality” of what someone already is, is just a recipe for disappointment. We can’t change or fix anyone – some of us have learned this the hard way.

 

One of the privileges of growing older is the wisdom of being able to forecast the probable success of a relationship within a short period of time; sometimes within minutes after meeting someone.  In fact, I’ve often thought that instead of meeting a first date in a restaurant, for example, we could consider “drive though” dating.  This is how it works: once you’ve decided to take the plunge and meet a stranger you’ve been communicating with online, an arrangement is made to meet in a parking lot and through the crack of your car window the date begins.  If you’re pleased with the small talk, you can move on to part 2 of the date which is actually shutting off the car engine and continuing the conversation. Perhaps now you’ve committed to a parking spot.  You’re interested and are making progress.

The bonus is that you don’t have to spend time and money meeting in a restaurant if your first impression doesn’t feel right.

Drive through dating is time and cost efficient and the best part is you can drive away at any time.

All jokes aside, renewing our passions in our older years is exciting and invigorating.

Go for it!

Happy dating and best wishes in your search!

 

Brunnie Getchell

M.Ed., Mental Health Counselor, Life Coach, Advanced Certified Hypnotherapist, Reiki Master and Author of eBook, Finding Happiness Even Without a Fairy Tale Childhood

New Year’s Resolutions

It’s March.

It’s been a little over 2 months since most of us dutifully made our annual list of promises to improve our lives somehow.

We either pledged to do more of something or less of it.

We either resolved to take on a new life perspective, foster a healthier habit, increase our income, develop six pack abs or, for me, learn how to fold a fitted sheet properly.

It’s March.

And how are those resolutions going so far?

Some of us are staying strong and following through while others are limping along doing our best when we can, or when we remember.

Why do so many of us fail to stick to our New Year’s resolutions?

  1. Unrealistic goal setting: maybe asking too much of ourselves given our personal capacity or choosing goals that are too lofty or too vague.
  2. Time management: maybe not enough consideration of how much time it would take to realistically devote to these new goals in the way it was intended.

Researchers say that we’re more likely to stick to our New Year’s resolutions when there’s “an immediate reward”. We all like to see the success of our work sooner than later.

So, maybe making our goals more specific and breaking them down into manageable chunks is a way to guarantee a longer lasting commitment.

 

Remember that goals and resolutions can be rewritten and modified at any time.

Today might be as good a day as any to reexamine those New Year promises.

 

It’s March.

 

*And then there’s the 3-month rule.  In very small print at the bottom of your list of New Year’s resolutions, there is a disclaimer.  It’s an escape clause that clearly states that if you haven’t been working on your goals by now and don’t think you’ll be able to by the end of the year, you are then completely absolved from any responsibility or guilt to uphold your commitment to your resolutions.

I think I made that up.

Brunnie

M.Ed, Mental Health Counselor, Advanced Certified Hypnotherapist, Life Coach, Author of eBook, Finding Happiness Even Without a Fairy tale Childhood

 

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So, It’s Valentine’s Day… and??

The hype around Valentine’s Day starts around the middle of January.

Stores quickly fill up with candy, cards and gifts for that special someone way before all the Christmas ornaments, wrapping paper and dancing Santa’s are completely packed up or shipped away.

How did this day become such an international day of gift giving, love and romance?

The origin of Valentine’s Day dates back to the middle ages. Romans celebrated a Pagan ritual feast in February in which women were randomly gathered and then somehow, matched up with men, becoming a traditional “day of wild fertility and love.”

Sound like a modern-day speed dating experience gone wild.

But over time, Valentine’s Day became less barbaric and morphed into a day of romantic gestures and proclamations of love, heralding this day as the biggest day for lovers.

Hallmark cards made these expressions of love easier by providing couples with the right words to say for that special someone. Valentine’s Day cards became the biggest card sending holiday second to Christmas.

Lucrative big business.

Thinking of something original to write has become almost unnecessary.

And does underlining the words inside the store-bought card, somehow make it your words?

Confession.  I’ve done that. Haven’t you?

And while not all couples acknowledge this holiday with all the fanfare of gifts, cards and candy, it’s still more common to witness those who are coupled up, glazed over at their local card shop, trying to find that special card or gift that will prove to their partner how much they are loved.

 

But what if you’re single?

How do you walk past all those Valentine Day Cards, including the candy aisle and not think?

“Ugh…I’m single” …and it’s Valentine’s Day…where’s my gift? wahhh wahhh”.

Can you still be ok? Absolutely.

Maybe it’s about shifting the meaning and any exclusivity you assign to this day.

Celebrating love can happen on any day, it’s just that commercialism over the years has been focused on romantic relationships. It’s understandable that some singles might be emotionally triggered by all the hype of Valentine’s Day. I know in the past, this has been an issue for me as well. It’s clearer to me now, more than ever, that feeling grateful and acknowledging my support system (those around me who I love ~ family, friends, grandchildren) is what the meaning of this day is all about.

Valentine’s Day is more about the love you have than the love you think you’re missing out on.

And then there’s celebrating ourselves.  Let’s not forget self-love.

How can we treat ourselves on Valentine’s Day whether we’re single or not?

This can be as simple as scheduling a spa day, a weekend getaway, ordering out a favorite meal, buying ourselves some flowers, giving ourselves permission to engage in a little retail therapy or guilty pleasures.

For me, in addition to all those possibilities, it’s also about honoring one of my first loves.

Chocolate

I love chocolate as much as Oprah loves bread.

And while I do understand that chocolate is no substitute for human connection and can have a high caloric value, it’s still how I personally help out with the overstocked chocolate surplus that begins on February 15th.
#CommunityService

 

Happy Valentine’s Day to all my readers whether you’re single, coupled up or “it’s complicated.”

Brunnie

Chocolate Cake Love:

M.Ed, Mental Health Counselor, Advanced Certified Hypnotherapist, Life Coach, Author of eBook, Finding Happiness Even Without a Fairy tale Childhood

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Dings and Dents of the Holidays

So, the holidays are officially over.

I’m exhausted.

Shopping, planning, shopping, planning. Cooking, shopping, planning. Doing more, more and then more.

Do the holidays really require this much work or is it that we bring this on ourselves?

Many of us, myself included, are determined to have a Hallmark/Lifetime movie kind of Christmas experience. One in which we’re creating memories that are magical and inspirational that even Santa Claus and Unicorns would be proud of.

But then there’s the aftermath left behind. The dings and dents of holiday overindulgence.

Excess, excuses and self-imposed pressure.

I admit I am guilty of all three.

For example, I rationalized and redefined cheat day regarding my consumption of food so many times that gradually it became cheat week stretching it out to cheat month with no ending date as of yet.

My thoughts about food since Thanksgiving sounded something like this:

“It’s the holidays. No worries.  I’m definitely going back to the gym as soon as the holidays are over”. “I have a sweet tooth.  I can’t help it.  These cookies are really small…I’ll only have 1 or maybe 8. That’s not so bad, is it?”

“So, this pie has bourbon in it?  And those are called Rum Ball Cookies because they really have rum in them? Ok, so a cocktail and a dessert in one??

Hmmm… There’s definitely a convenience factor here.

And is it possible to have too much cheese?”

Then there was the Credit Card Shuffle.

An excuse to overspend.

Here’s what I often thought while buying gifts this year:

“I haven’t used this credit card in a while.  It should be ok.  Yes, it went through!  Yayy!! Sufficient funds! Wow!  That’s a nice surprise 😊.  I may not be able to pay it all off at the end of the month but that’s ok…it’s Christmas. Giving is good for the soul”.

True but who’s paying for all this stuff?

And in addition to over eating and overspending I confess I spent way too much time thinking about how to host Christmas Eve.

“I wonder if the meal I’m planning to serve for Christmas Eve is ok? Will I have enough food? Will it be special enough? What else can I do to make this night special?  Games? What kind of games?  Will my guests like the games I choose? Should I have prizes?

 Or what about doing a Reenactment of The Christmas Story? Too much?”

Aargh!!!!

Self-Imposed Pressure.

Exhausting.

So, how do we avoid too many holiday dings and dents that can keep us spinning and drain us emotionally, physically and even financially?  The answer to that is not at all profound or new. Maybe just a reminder to:

*Keep it simple, realistic and loving. Nothing has to be perfect.

*Hold on to traditions that matter most and let everything else be optional. Be open to new ways of celebrating the holidays that fit with changing family situations.

*Do your best to stick to a budget.  Gifts don’t buy happiness (well…within reason😊)

*Be kind to yourself ~ learn how to say “no”. We can’t do it all…and when we try, we’re often left with dings and dents like a car “that just drove through a hailstorm”.

Happy New Year!

Brunnie

M.Ed, Mental Health Counselor, Advanced Certified Hypnotherapist, Life Coach, Author of eBook, Finding Happiness Even Without a Fairy tale Childhood

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I Don’t Know

 And that’s ok

Way back in the day, there were popular, frequently used research books called encyclopedias.  An encyclopedia was a book within a set of books that contained information on a variety of subjects arranged alphabetically. Due to the expense of these

books, you were considered very fortunate to own a personal set back then.  Growing up in the projects of the Bronx, my family couldn’t afford to own any of these informational books at home but luckily the school library had an impressive set I could use during school hours…except for the “F” reference book.

The middle school library set was missing the “F” encyclopedia.  Not sure if the “F” book or Fox, was unavailable. I don’t remember the ‘F” book ever being replaced by the time I went on to High School. It was stolen or misplaced but any information on subjects or topics that I was trying to research that started with the letter ‘F”; for example, Feather, Frogs. 

I accepted that.

It was ok to “not know” any more information than I had already collected from other resources.

Fast forward to the 21st century. In today’s world, seeking out an encyclopedia in a library for research is highly unlikely.  Do libraries even still carry encyclopedias? I’ll have to take a look the next time I visit my neighborhood library.  If encyclopedias still have a place on their shelves, I’m headed right for the “F” book.

Instead of hard bound research books, we now have a global computer network available to us called the Internet that contains information on Anything you’d ever want to know at Any time, day or night.  No library card required. While this technological invention has revolutionized the efficiency and speed in how quickly we can access information it has also created a “I Need To Know Now” era. We have now been conditioned to seek out and have an answer for just about anything we’re wondering about within minutes.

If we don’t know the answer to a question, most of us don’t pause anymore, or think about it for too long.… we “Google it “instead.  We quickly reach for our lap tops, cell phones or other electronic devices and search the internet because any other method takes too long.

 

 

I wonder if we’re no longer allowed to not know. Are we allowed to shrug our shoulders when asked a question and honestly say: “I don’t know” and be ok with not knowing? And is saying, “I don’t know but I’ll get back to you” acceptable?

The need to be informed all the time might just be a new normal.  I think it’s what’s expected of us now. We live in a “just google it” generation.

Acceptable cell phone etiquette now includes interrupting conversations with others in a rush to look up information.

When is this considered to be rude?

Tip:

If you’re engaged in a conversation with someone who is sharing some personal information and suddenly you remember that you’re curious about a topic that has nothing to do with your current conversation and reach for your cell phone to look it up while the other person is still talking; that might be rude.

I would consider that a need to know “no no”.

Confession:

Recently, I was on the phone with a friend and remembered that I needed to look up a recipe for turkey chili that I wanted to make this weekend.  Instead of waiting until we hung up and our conversation was over I was soooo tempted to put her on speaker phone so I could search the internet to look up the recipe while still talking to her.  How rude that would have been of me.  But would she have ever known?  I waited until we hung up…this time anyway.

 

Thanks for reading my last blog for the year,

Brunnie

*As the Holiday Season is fast approaching and stress levels begin to rise, my gift to my readers is to offer a free 20 minute phone session from now to the end of the year.  Call to schedule a session:  339 – 832- 4740

Enjoy the video below regarding cell phone etiquette:

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Is Seeing Really Believing?

 

 Is this a musician or a girl’s face?

Are you sure?

And for some reason, this reminds me of my Car Story:

A number of years ago, I brought a black SUV RAV4 that I owned at the time to the dealership for a scheduled maintenance check.

I parked the car in the designated lot and then asked one of the mechanics to walk over to my car with me to look at some issues I was having with the edges of the windshield.

As we walked to my car, I noticed that my automatic key did not unlock the car like it usually did.  Oh well…just a fluke that I easily dismissed.

When the mechanic and I arrived at my car, I began explaining and pointing out the windshield problem even though I quickly began to realize that the issues I thought I had with the windshield didn’t seem as noticeable as earlier. Hmmm…

This observation did not stop me.

Instead I began working harder at trying to convince the mechanic that my windshield did indeed have a loose band around it by pressing down hard on the edges while he seemed to look on with a neutral expression.

As I was peering into the windshield, I suddenly noticed there was a small dog curled up on the driver’s seat.

I was confused.

I didn’t own a dog.

In a startled edgy voice, I asked the mechanic: “How did that dog get into my car?”

He leaned in and said: “So, this isn’t your dog, Ma’am?”

“No!” I quickly said.

And then I noticed that the car ash tray (this was when cars had ash trays) was filled with cigarette butts.

Why is my ashtray filled with cigarettes?

“I don’t smoke” I yelled out.

The mechanic just stared.

No response…just a stare.

I felt anxious…I needed to come up with an explanation.  I couldn’t have the mechanic think that I was confused, wrong or nuts.

So, in a matter of seconds I came up with a theory.

My theory was alternate realities.

As a New Age thinker and someone who spends time on occasion in the metaphysical aspects of our existence, even though I still consider myself to be very “old school’ in many ways (I still use pen and paper), I began to consider the possibility that I might actually be living dual realities:  one reality was that I was a chain smoker with a dog and the other reality was that I was a non-smoking, non-dog owner, who had problems with their windshield edging… and that maybe…the two worlds had collided that day.

As I was trying to process all this, a man quickly walked out of the service waiting area in

our direction and loudly asked: “Is there something wrong with my car?”

Aarrghhhh!!!  I was standing at the wrong car!!  The wrong Toyota Rav4 that looked exactly like mine in the lot!!

 

Why did I ignore the signs that I might have mistaken my car for someone else’s?

The signs were all there:  the automatic key didn’t work and the windshield issues were non-existent when I approached the wrong car yet I kept trying to make it fit My reality. Why didn’t I take a step back to think about whether I was at the right car when things weren’t lining up?

Maybe it’s about the need to be right (justifications and rationalizations) or is it about the need to avoid the embarrassment of being wrong? And why is being wrong such an embarrassment? It’s often because the ego struggles with acceptance and apologies.

Or…maybe my earlier theory about alternate realities is possible. “Reality is merely an illusion” said Albert Einstein, one of the greatest thinkers, philosophers and scientists of all time. 

 

Our realities might really just be about yours and mine. The Truth is Out There ~ X Files

 

My Tip is simply this:  Be open to all possibilities.  Things may not always seem to be what you think they are initially (even with lookalike cars in parking lots)

 

True Confession:

I admit that upon unlocking my car in most crowded parking lots, I often double check and peer into the car window to make sure there isn’t a dog curled up on the driver’s seat. Ya never know.

 

*Check out this brief Sears video on “Seeing” the right car.

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Enjoy,

Brunnie

Giving Myself Permission

 As I’ve had the privilege of growing older, I’ve become much more aware that my life has become simpler, less dramatic, and definitely less entangled. Perhaps it’s because the busyness of raising 3 children, 3 dogs and a 30-year career in education is behind me.

And maybe it’s also because over time I’ve learned some things along the way.

I learned that “judging myself through someone else’s eyes” (S. Fields) and constantly seeking validation from others kept me in a place of low self-worth and self-doubt.

I also learned that trying to fix and or control others was an attempt at having things done my way so that I could guarantee an outcome or satisfy an expectation.

These life perspectives and many more that are too numerous to mention for this blog (you’re welcome) have now become great life lessons that helped me learn how to free myself from thinking like a victim and a martyr. I spent much of my time thinking about how I thought others had hurt me –  angry about my past, anxious about my future and just barely existing in the present. I kept myself on the proverbial hamster wheel for many years.

I was dizzy and exhausted!  

Over time, with a lot of self-reflection, support and prayer, I realized I needed a change. I needed to forgive, make peace with my past and definitely move forward.

 I gave myself permission to get off that hamster wheel. So, I slowed the wheel down, packed up my lipstick and makeup bag, looked both ways and hopped off. It was then that my life began to move forward.

And while my life is far from perfect, and will never be, I continue to give myself permission as I grow older to be less concerned with material things, situations and relationships that no longer “fit” who I am or who I’m still consciously working at becoming…and this includes my vanity.

Somehow over the last few years, I’ve realized that vanity is no longer a priority or concern for me and being a fashionista is never going to happen…and it’s totally ok….and it’s way too much pressure.  So, I’ve recently decided to:

Come out of the Closet regarding my wardrobe choices. I prefer comfort and not confinement.

I now happily give myself permission to:

*Wear comfortable shoes. Yup, I said it. Out with tight, ill fitted heels that keep my toes hostage, unable to breathe or feel a pulse just because it looks sexier or more attractive. My toes are happier and healthier with shoes that fit my feet and not necessarily my ego.  I still wear dress up “pumps” (short heels) to formal affairs but am happy to report that afterwards, I can at least feel my feet, wiggle my toes and walk without a limp.

I now happily give myself permission to:

*Choose pants that have a forgiving, somewhat flexible, waist band that does not include tight buckles, zippers or buttons that dig into my skin, require several deep breaths or self-soothing techniques just to fasten. I also refuse to wear pants with the top button undone with a long top to cover over it with hopes that they stay on and up throughout the day (I actually used to do this).

I now happily give myself permission to:

*Buy and wear undergarments that are user friendly to my body type. Thin straps, extra padded frills, lack of material and pinching intrusive parts that keeps me from sitting, moving or breathing evenly no longer bring my body joy or comfort.

I’ll stop here for now.

Meanwhile….

Tips on giving yourself permission:

No one’s going to give you permission to be yourself (Jeff Goins) – Just be.

True Confession:

The other day I was quite impressed with a pair of maternity pants that I saw on a rack…they looked soooo comfy. Would anyone really know if I wore them?

 

P.S.  For those of you who read my skinny jeans blog awhile back, I have successfully been able to stretch them into submission so they are easier to slip on and off now.  I, however, eyed a pair of skinny jeans at the store last week that had more of a “pull up, no button waist band with a leggings elasticity look” that I might just go back and purchase.  I’m giving myself permission.

 

Enjoy Jerry’s answer to our fashion dilemmas.

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